News

The Origin of Pussy Rage

2011/03/22

Last month we celebrated our third annual Pussy Rage party. The title of which was inspired by a story, which we have transcribed here for your enjoyment. Old school Dark Power attendees may recognise picture at the end.

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How to give a cat a pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth, allow cat to swallow pill.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa, cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
Collect cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws lightly with left hand. Force jaw open and push pill to back of the mouth with right forefinger, hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from wardrobe top, call spouse from garden.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted from cat. Get spouse to firmly hold the head with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth, drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigerously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap, make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains, carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set aside for gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with the head just visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans. Drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply band aid to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
Retrieve cat from neighboors shed. Get another pill, open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screw driver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink another beer, fetch a bottle of scotch, pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
Call fire department to retrieve damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
Tie the little b—d’s front paws with garden twine and bind lightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quiet while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order a new table.
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to enquire about hamsters.